My world was rocked when, at the beginning of the month, I was laid-off. While this news was not out of left field, it was still a shock and disappointment. At first I had a whole range of emotions including anger, frustration, confusion, sadness and even bitterness. Let's just say that I didn't handle it too well the first few days. I couldn't understand why I would be hired only to be laid-off 6 months later. I was ashamed to admit to friends and family that I would be jobless in 15 days. What did I spend all that time and money for a college education to be newly graduated with no job, living at home and no clue where I wanted to go? Was it something I did or didn't do to lead to this? While all these questions are probably an expected reaction, I had some particularly difficult questions to work through. How could the church I've grown up in, the church I've volunteered hundreds of hours for, the church I was an intern for do this to me? How could I continue to be friends with the people I worked with? How could I attend church as simply a member when I had been on staff?
The executive staff tried to make it clear that is was strictly a business move. Finances were poor and they had to make significant budget cuts. I wasn't the only one who got laid-off but it stung and hurt nonetheless. After many talks with some trusted friends and mentors, I began to realize I was running to the wrong people. Well, to the right people but I wasn't running to the person I should've first gone to; God.
I can't say I trusted God, or even had faith in Him those first few days. I don't even know if I can say I do now. All the emotions I felt towards those involved were nothing compared to how I was feeling toward God. If you know me, you know the significant struggles my family has faced the last few years. It seemed like God had left completely. Things went from bad to worse to almost impossible. I could not see the plan God had, I couldn't even see the tiniest glimmer of an open peephole, let alone full window or door. I have since asked forgiveness from staff and God for my emotions and negative thoughts.
A good friend and mentor of mine talked to me, yes literally TO me. I didn't say much in the conversation but it was exactly what I needed. He told me to stop crying about it (I admit I had expelled a fair amount of tears). He told me I should be talking to God about it all, that he was positive there was a plan and I needed to turn to my Heavenly Father. I spent the weekend praying, reading His Word and trying to listen to what God had to say. A window was opened in terms of a mission trip. A friend of my mentor's was leading a trip through a different church in two weeks. There happened to be a purchased ticket that someone was unable to use. With support and sponsorship from my friends, I decided this was God's way of telling me I needed to be on this trip. I don't know his reasonings, I don't know what His plan in this is for me but I am trying to have faith.
Fast forward 2 weeks.
After a handful of applications submitted and a couple interviews, still no luck with a job. But I must put the focus on job hunting on hold as the mission trip is roughly 36 hours away. I will be spending 5 days in Tecate, Mexico with 20 or so women at Rancho de Sus Ninos. Rancho, as they call it, is an orphanage, day care center, education center free to local kids. We will be working with 'house moms'. They are women who work with the children in the orphanage. We will also be doing some painting and playing with kids.
I have always had a heart for missions, this being my 6th mission trip, 5th to Mexico. I have thought that maybe God has a long-term plan for me in ministry and missions. My friend told me maybe this was the beginning of a missions path for me. I haven't understood God's Will for me but I am trying my best to be open to the possibilities. I can't say I have succeeded in trusting God with my concerns and fears completely but I am working on it. I still feel the presence of Satan at times, playing on my fears and emotions and situations that have arisen.
I guess my point in all this is that everyone struggles. Everyone is going through something. We all deal with it in different ways. I need to deal with it the God way. I need to trust him completely, I need to run to Him first and foremost. I need to be in constant prayer, read and meditate on His Word. I am confident that when I do, He will clearly speak to me and provide for me in ways I haven't experienced before. Its easier said than done but its my goal and plan.
Please pray that I focus solely on God the next week, that I can listen to Him. That the mission trip is unhindered and I grow in Him and see His ways. Pray that He provides financial stabilization for me. Pray that I can exemplify the Christian life I have so claimed is mine.
