Epic Fail

The last month has been a challenging one. In the future I hope, no I pray I can look back and see where God was leading me. As for now, I have more questions than answers.

My world was rocked when, at the beginning of the month, I was laid-off. While this news was not out of left field, it was still a shock and disappointment. At first I had a whole range of emotions including anger, frustration, confusion, sadness and even bitterness. Let's just say that I didn't handle it too well the first few days. I couldn't understand why I would be hired only to be laid-off 6 months later. I was ashamed to admit to friends and family that I would be jobless in 15 days. What did I spend all that time and money for a college education to be newly graduated with no job, living at home and no clue where I wanted to go? Was it something I did or didn't do to lead to this? While all these questions are probably an expected reaction, I had some particularly difficult questions to work through. How could the church I've grown up in, the church I've volunteered hundreds of hours for, the church I was an intern for do this to me? How could I continue to be friends with the people I worked with? How could I attend church as simply a member when I had been on staff? 

The executive staff tried to make it clear that is was strictly a business move. Finances were poor and they had to make significant budget cuts. I wasn't the only one who got laid-off but it stung and hurt nonetheless. After many talks with some trusted friends and mentors, I began to realize I was running to the wrong people. Well, to the right people but I wasn't running to the person I should've first gone to; God. 

I can't say I trusted God, or even had faith in Him those first few days. I don't even know if I can say I do now. All the emotions I felt towards those involved were nothing compared to how I was feeling toward God. If you know me, you know the significant struggles my family has faced the last few years. It seemed like God had left completely. Things went from bad to worse to almost impossible. I could not see the plan God had, I couldn't even see the tiniest glimmer of an open peephole, let alone full window or door. I have since asked forgiveness from staff and God for my emotions and negative thoughts.

A good friend and mentor of mine talked to me, yes literally TO me. I didn't say much in the conversation but it was exactly what I needed. He told me to stop crying about it (I admit I had expelled a fair amount of tears). He told me I should be talking to God about it all, that he was positive there was a plan and I needed to turn to my Heavenly Father. I spent the weekend praying, reading His Word and trying to listen to what God had to say. A window was opened in terms of a mission trip. A friend of my mentor's was leading a trip through a different church in two weeks. There happened to be a purchased ticket that someone was unable to use. With support and sponsorship from my friends, I decided this was God's way of telling me I needed to be on this trip. I don't know his reasonings, I don't know what His plan in this is for me but I am trying to have faith.

Fast forward 2 weeks.

After a handful of applications submitted and a couple interviews, still no luck with a job. But I must put the focus on job hunting on hold as the mission trip is roughly 36 hours away. I will be spending 5 days in Tecate, Mexico with 20 or so women at Rancho de Sus Ninos. Rancho, as they call it, is an orphanage, day care center, education center free to local kids. We will be working with 'house moms'. They are women who work with the children in the orphanage. We will also be doing some painting and playing with kids. 

I have always had a heart for missions, this being my 6th mission trip, 5th to Mexico. I have thought that maybe God has a long-term plan for me in ministry and missions. My friend told me maybe this was the beginning of a missions path for me. I haven't understood God's Will for me but I am trying my best to be open to the possibilities. I can't say I have succeeded in trusting God with my concerns and fears completely but I am working on it. I still feel the presence of Satan at times, playing on my fears and emotions and situations that have arisen.

I guess my point in all this is that everyone struggles. Everyone is going through something. We all deal with it in different ways. I need to deal with it the God way. I need to trust him completely, I need to run to Him first and foremost. I need to be in constant prayer, read and meditate on His Word. I am confident that when I do, He will clearly speak to me and provide for me in ways I haven't experienced before. Its easier said than done but its my goal and plan. 

Please pray that I focus solely on God the next week, that I can listen to Him. That the mission trip is unhindered and I grow in Him and see His ways. Pray that He provides financial stabilization for me. Pray that I can exemplify the Christian life I have so claimed is mine.

Leadership Leap

True or False

I'm a spontaneous, energetic, outgoing woman.

I don't really care what others think about me.

Meeting new people is easy and fun for me.

If you answered true to any of those, guess again.

I often lack self-confidence in who I am and my abilities. It is something I have struggled with most of my life but I can now say I have made some dramatic improvements in my level of self-confidence and it came from the most unlikely of situations.

I was dissatisfied with the Young Adult program at my church. For whatever reason, it seemed to be lacking committed, consistent people. I was looking for a place to get plugged into, to become more social, a place to challenge me and deepen my relationship with Christ through devotions and discussions. Whatever I was hoping for, I wasn't finding it. After many discussions with friends and mentors I finally made the uncomfortable decision to step out of my comfort zone and do something about it. All these years I complained, I griped and I sulked when I should have simply acted. 

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; 

the courage to change the things I can; 

and wisdom to know the difference."

This quote has sat in a picture frame on my dresser for years and finally, I realized what it said. This was the turning point, the "duh" moment. 

The next day I committed to becoming the face of the 20-something women at Gold Creek Community Church. While it scares the heck out of me to take a step of leadership such as this, it has already begun to transform my thinking. 

I have been actively involved in the coed young adult group. We are reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan and I'm already enjoying it more than I expected. I now look forward to Thursday nights.

Being the face of the 20-something women has also pushed me to become a leader within the church's Tuesday Women's Night group. I am not leading a devotional or study this session but I am trying to get other 20-something women involved. Tuesday night we met at 6pm at a local Starbucks to meet each other and chat before heading over to the church. We all ended up joining a group studying the book The Power of a Positive Woman. I not only now look forward to hanging out with other young adult women but also look forward to changing the way I see myself through this study. I have already committed to lead a study the next session and I will not back out.

While I am not becoming a leader to feel good about myself, I admit I have felt better about myself since I took the leap to becoming a women's leader. I have met more women and I hope to build deeper relationships with them. I have this smile on my face and an energy within me that is new and it makes every day better. Thank you to those who have encouraged me to take this role and to those who will be my mentors and leaders along with me.

Flame Reignited

So after a long hiatus, I've finally reignited the flame of passion for writing. I don't know how or why I let the flame burn out but I have let multiple flames disappear lately. 

A good friend of mine, Laurel Dickison, has started writing a blog and rather than writing about adventures or crafts or cooking, she has taken a refreshing approach and talks about things that are personal and real. Make sure to take a look at her blog here. I'm inspired by her revelation that young adults (20s-30s) are afraid to admit their emotions and struggles and instead keep them locked away inside. Whether is because of guilt, shame, embarrassment, or they just don't care, something is being lost on these younger generations. Its important to share life's experiences with others so that those who are going through the same highs and lows can relate and others that have made it through some of those experiences can share advice, encouragement and joy.

I hope to be able to share like she does, in hopes that people can help each other out in encouragement, praise and simply knowing there are others going through the same things.

For now, I'm remaining on this blog but I have been contemplating a move to a more professionally-toned blog. One where I pay for the domain name and where I focus on professional experiences, leaving out the personal rants. It would be something I could put in my portfolio and show to potential employers if/when the time comes. Part of me thinks it would be a better idea than to continue this blog. However, another part of me thinks I could use this one to be both personal and professional and yet another part of me thinks I could manage 2 blogs. Well, actually it would be 3 blogs since I am heading up a professional blog for the Gold Creek Community Church Children's Department. My ambitions are high and hopefully I can muddle my way through and decide but until you hear differently, please continue to read this blog.

Letter to Myself

-based on Brad Paisley’s “Letter to Me”-

As you read this down the road, no matter a week or a year

Listen to the words and the voices you hear

They are your words and your voice

They are God’s direction and Will

Remember the days you hid chocolate in your room

The days you snuck the dog table food

You’re first date, you’re passions and goals

Adapt and grow but remember your roots

The times you laughed, cried, fought, failed and won

Let this letter remind you of the good times and the bad

Remember the starts of college, kidsmin leadership, the real world

Reflect on where you’ve been, where you are and where you hope to be

Remember the struggles of confidence, friendships, family

The faith you yearned for

The love you strived for

The path God laid out for you

You’re relationship with the Lord is above all else

Do not forsake him but seek him whole-heartedly

Live the Godly life you’ve pledged to live

Be the example and leader to those you serve

As you read this down the road, no matter a week or a year

Listen to the words and the voices you hear

They are your words and your voice

They are God’s direction and Will

'Fresh Start' but Where's the Start?

I can't find the start line.

So I’ve been MIA for a while, no worthy explanation except that I got lazy. Lazy in a lot of areas and it has led to dissatisfaction; dissatisfaction with my relationship with the Lord, with my social life, with my relationship with my brother. I’m not trying to sound depressed or pitiful but I am stating these dissatisfactions so that they are written down with more permanence, in hopes that friends and family can help keep me accountable! (That’s you!)

Most importantly I have not maintained a daily relationship with the Lord. I pray most days but it’s usually a prayer of want, not a prayer of thanks. I don’t feel like I’m having a conversation with God. I’m a leader in kid’s ministry, on staff with the church and yet I don’t feel like a leader. I can’t say why, yet, but I can’t see the potential impact I could have on kids. I know being a part of the kidsmin team is important, don’t get me wrong but I want to have a direct impact on kids’ relationships with the Lord. I don’t know if this feeling is because I don’t have the relationship with the Lord I desire for myself or because I’ve been lazy or something else entirely.

My social life has not improved much since the last post. I have yet to hang out with many friends, no matter how many text inquiries I send out. Maybe that’s the problem, not having a clear idea of what I want to do and not flat out asking friends to hang out. I have not connected with the YA group much yet, I went to the first Thursday night small group, missed the monthly ‘hang out’ small group because of a funeral and last week’s small group was canceled. Now most of my YA friends are on the high school retreat so I've spent the weekend at home. I know these friendships I desire can’t be built over night (though I wish they could) but I had hoped it would be tad bit easier.

My brother and I, though over most of the petty fighting, still struggle to get along at times. He is floundering a bit, I will respect his privacy and not delve into detail but his behavior and reactions to situations  causes me to wonder sometimes. Trying to be a good big sister is harder than I thought when sometimes I really just want to knock him upside the head, taking the move from his favorite tv show NCIS. I haven’t and won’t but the thought has crossed my mind.

My work career started off with a bang (pun intended) as I helped out at our church's first fireworks stand fundraiser. It was a lot of fun, a bit frustrating and definitely exhausting. The hard work of our staff and volunteer team made it an excellent venture, earning us $20,000 toward our children’s and youth departments. I have completed my first week of official work and it went really well, I think. Tomorrow will be the deciding factor as it is my first official Sunday on staff. It is a different process being on staff versus being a summer intern. I am here for the long haul and it’s a different mentality, something I am still adjusting to.

I need a hobby, an activity of some sorts that I can do on my days off and in the evenings after work. I told myself I’d start making cards (birthday, special occasions etc). I even bought supplies. Yet the supplies still remain in the bag I purchased them in. I told myself I’d get into shape but I have yet to run a mile or go to the gym.

I need to find something soon or else I’m going to turn into one lazy bum. (Only half kidding).

Looking in the rear-view mirror

As I put the final load of stuff in my car and turned in the apartment key, I was excited, ready to embark on a new adventure. As I drove out of Pullman, with the brick buildings of campus visible in my rear-view mirror, I felt tears welling up and a “oh my gosh, I’m leaving and I don’t know when I’ll be back” in my head. I knew it wouldn’t be goodbye forever; I will come back some day but the fact that its not marked on a calendar really hit me. I won’t be heading back in two months to start another year. I’ve finished my undergrad experience. I’m now considered a “working gal,” and thank God, that’s true. I’ve been blessed with a wonderful full-time job at home with an amazing and supportive staff, family and friends. As the rolling green hills of a summer Pullman left my view, a few silent tears rolled down my face. Goodbye Pullman, WSU, gale-force winds, bitter cold and comfortable heat. I hope the ads that portray “Cougs are everywhere” holds true; I will never stop being a Coug!

The adjustment has gone smoothly after being home five days. Haven’t hung out with any old friends yet but I have begun the arduous task of unpacking college things; deciding what I need, what I can store for when I move out and what I can get rid of. I came to the conclusion I have too much stuff I don’t need and that someone else could use so my donation pile turned into a box, a bag and few miscellaneous items. I always feel better after a good purge of stuff.

While this physical purge took place, I realized I also needed to begin what I’m calling a spiritual purge.  I have been collecting a lot of junk and things I don’t need and its time to get rid of them. Impressions of people I will be working with, friends of friends, impressions of the working world, of living at home again etc. and while the impressions are mostly good, I don’t want to have impressions before I’ve met people, worked with them and experienced the changes. I also have had some feelings of social anxiety that have sprung up from my past and I want to have faith and confidence in God that I don’t need to be anxious or to worry. I have also had some anger with God, for a couple different reasons and I realized its unwarranted and I need to get back into a daily relationship with Him, to purge myself of unwanted attitudes, fears, judgments, anger and worry and instead have faith and trust in the Lord that he will execute his plan when necessary.

Among other things, a large cause of this anxiety is re-entering the young adults community at church. I have frequented the group only a couple of summers in the last four years, from May-July when I return from college. Last summer I was in Australia so I missed further development of friendships within the group. I only know a small number of people in the group; I could probably count them on one hand. They have formed deep, grounded friendships within the group, some relationships even and I am on the outs. Its nothing anyone did or anything that could have really ended up any differently but I need to re-develop friendships and create new ones. Oddly, I’ve almost been better at making friends with people older than I have people my own age. I’ve always had a few good friends but I’ve never been a social butterfly.

With this new start in the young adults group, and in my job, I’m going to make a large, conscious effort to step outside that proverbial box to connect with people, old friends and hopefully new friends.

Sun, bike, trail...perfect Saturday

Yesterday I crossed off another item on my Pullman Bucket List, just in time as I have one week left in Pullman.

After conducting an interview for a freelance feature piece for the Moscow-Pullman Daily News at 8 a.m., I decided I needed to take advantage of the 65 degrees and sunny weather that finally decided to appear so I convinced myself I was going to ride the Chipman Trail from Pullman, WA to Moscow, ID and back.

Now, I don’t have a bike so I rented one from the campus Green Bike system. They aren’t the lightest or best bikes but it would serve the purpose well enough. I also checked out a helmet and bike lock and asked my mom and a friend what the bike laws are, I didn’t want to get a ticket for riding on the sidewalk.

And so I set out. It was smooth sailing most of the way, minus a few hard-core bikers telling me something was rubbing against my spokes, to which I could only reply, “Thanks, it’s a rental.” They laughed and continued on.

Once I reached the end of the trail in Moscow, I decided to continue on to the Farmer’s Market in downtown Moscow, across from the newspaper office. I took a break there and had some well deserved, I think, nectarine cobbler ice cream from a local creamery vendor. Once I had relaxed and stretched a bit, I decided it was time to head back.

About three miles into the return trip, I realized my pace was slowing so I decided to make it a leisurely ride and observe the beautiful green rolling hills and scatters of dark and light purple, orange, yellow and pink wildflowers lining the trail. With the birds chirping and singing, I couldn’t help but smile and thank God for all He created.

I made it to the edge of campus, where the hills begin and all of a sudden I couldn’t ride any longer so I took a ten-minute rest in the shade of a tree before continuing on the final two miles.

The couch in my apartment never looked so comfortable and I didn’t move for a couple hours.

Fast-forwarding to today, I realized even my well applied sunscreen was no match for the Pullman sun so my shoulders, arms and hands are quite red. At least I’ll have a bit of a tan to show off when I return to the Westside. Walking has proven a bit difficult but not as bad as I expected, in all honesty. I thought 20 miles and 50 ft. would’ve caused more soreness…well let’s say I think my bum absorbed most of the soreness.

Another adventure in Pullman comes to a close but it may have sparked an interest in bike riding, we shall see.